‘The First Five Pages’ by Noah Lukeman — review and summary

February 13, 2013 in Best Of, Book Reviews, On Writing, Reviews

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I’ve already reviewed Stephen King’s On Writing (here) and Anne Lamott’s Bird by Bird (here). The third book that makes up this holy trinity of writing bibles is Noah Lukeman’s The First Five Pages: A Writer’s Guide to Staying Out of the Rejection Pile.

As the title suggests, The First Five Pages is all about how not to get rejected by literary agents, editors and publishers. It’s a comprehensive technical bible that covers everything from simple things such as your manuscript’s presentation to more complex issues such as tone, pacing and characterization. In a nutshell, this is a no-nonsense book that gets to the point with clear, concise writing and helps writers through concrete guidelines and suggestions.

At just 200 pages or so, it is a nifty little guide that deserves — and probably requires — multiple readings if you are serious about getting published. A couple of times before you start writing (if you haven’t started already), once after the first draft has been completed, and probably another before you send it off to an agent or publisher. It won’t guarantee anything, of course, but it can certainly reduce the likelihood of your manuscript getting rejected. As Lukeman says up front, agents are usually swamped and look for anything they can do dismiss a manuscript, so why not eliminate as many excuses as you can?

This is one of the most useful books on writing I’ve ever read. On Writing offers a lot of solid advice on an overall level, while Bird by Bird is more of a spiritual journey littered with practical tips. The First Five Pages, on the other hand, is all business. There are moments of inspiration, but for the most part, this is all about making your manuscript better from a technical perspective.

Each chapter begins by identifying an issue or a specific problem, followed by solutions, examples and end-of-chapter exercises. Some of the examples may come across as a little too obvious, but I guess that’s what you need to illustrate a point, especially if the book is meant for a wide audience ranging from novices to experienced writers.

Anyway, I cannot recommend this book enough. Read it, digest it, and get to work.

5/5

Highlights

The book is divided into three parts: preliminary problems, dialogue and the bigger picture. Cleverly, this is also the order of the criteria that Lukeman, a New York City literary agent, uses to review — and eliminate — manuscripts.

Set out below is a brief summary of each chapter and what I learned from them (partly so they can jog my memory):

PART I

1. Presentation

It’s crazy that presentation is the first thing agents look for to dismiss a manuscript. On the other hand, whether a manuscript conforms to industry norms and requirements is indicative of the amount of effort a writer has put into selling their work. Lukeman notes that many writers spend years working on perfecting their manuscript but can’t even be bothered spending a few hours to make sure their manuscript has the right spacing, margins and format (I won’t bother putting down what the conventions are, but there are plenty of places to look).

Specific suggestions include:

  • research to find the right agent or editor for your genre
  • personalize your query letter and be specific and why you are contacting that particular agent or editor
  • be careful with punctuation, such as question marks, exclamation points, paretheses and semi-colons — misuse from a cursory glance could land your manuscript on the rejection pile immediately

2. Adjectives and Adverbs

A favourite topic for all writing guide books. Knowing when to use adjectives and adverbs is key. If you don’t know that adverbs (words that usually end with -ly) are bad, you probably need a lot of help with your writing. And the right noun/verb that encompasses the meaning you are looking for is preferable to using a bunch of adjectives to describe a plain noun/verb.

Specific suggestions include:

  • cut usage of adverbs and adjectives or strengthen words so they don’t need them
  • replace common adjectives with more unusual ones
  • substitute adjectives with similes, metaphors and analogies

3. Sound

This is all about how a manuscript reads, how it sounds when you read it aloud. It’s about the rhythm, the echoes, distasteful consonants and vowels. A poor sounding manuscript reflects bad sentence construction, but may also be a symptom of poor alliteration usage and awkward resonance (eg, mix of long and short sentences).

Specific suggestions include:

  • ask a trusted reader to see if the manuscript “sounds” wrong or strange
  • read your manuscript aloud
  • simplify and cut out repetition and poor sounding sentences or words

4. Comparison

This chapter covers how to use similes, metaphors and analogies, and explains how poor usage and overuse can be bad, while good usage can elevate the quality of a manuscript.

Specific suggestions include:

  • decide whether the comparison is appropriate and cut those that don’t work well
  • avoid cliched comparisons and stick to precise ones
  • improve your vocabulary so you can better find the right word in the right situation

5. Style

Common problems with style include writing that is too archaic, too florid, too minimalist, too academic, too clipped or too protracted — it’s about writers trying too hard hard to be distinctive or different but simply end up coming across as too self-indulgent. It’s a problem I see a lot even in published “literary” books, where the writing feels more about showing off the author’s skills than telling a story.

Specific suggestions include:

  • ask if the style of the writing is appropriate for the story — a style should complement a story, not fight against it
  • pretend you are telling the story to friends
  • insert slight twists for ideas that feel recycled or repeated

Part II

6. Between the Lines

The fact that a whole part is dedicated to dialogue illustrates just how important it is. This section covers problems with dialogue that are identifiable simply from a simple browse, which are: poor use of identifiers (ie, attributing dialogue to characters), spitfire dialogue (chatter that is too rushed and has no breaks), interrupted dialogue (too many breaks between  dialogue) and journalistic dialogue (tendency to quote characters instead of letting their dialogue flow).

Specific suggestions include:

  • identifiers simply need to do their job (ie, let us know who is talking) without getting in the way — “he said” or “she said” is often good enough (and better than “said he” or “said her”)
  • learn to appreciate how dialogue affects pacing and progression (see below)
  • let characters speak for themselves in their own voices

7. Commonplace

Everyday dialogue like “hi, how are you” and “fine, how are you” are easy to spot and can lead to a manuscript being dismissed as being amateurish. You may think it adds realism but in reality such dialogue just bores the hell out of everyone. The solution is simple — avoid it and cut it if it’s already there.

8. Informative

Informative dialogue is used essentially to convey a piece of information or background facts that the writer could not get across otherwise — eg, “You are having an affair with Tina, my best friend!” It may get some information across, but the dialogue ends up coming across as fake, odd and contrived. Again, the solution is rather simple — avoid and cut.

9. Melodramatic

This type of dialogue also comes across as fake because it is too exaggerated. Lukeman advises writers to identify their melodramatic dialogue, step back from it, and try and build dialogue that is not constantly dramatic but has a build up and a letdown, an arc and contrasts. Look for areas where you may be compensating for your lack of drama in the narrative with dialogue.

10. Hard to Follow

Lukeman says dialogue that is hard to follow will always inevitably lead to the dismissal of a manuscript. Common problems include writers trying to capture a certain twang or accent, lack of identifiers or cryptic dialogue. The solutions are quite straightforward as well — avoid trying to capture accents and use your identifiers properly.

Part III

11. Showing Versus Telling

Ah, the good old dilemma. Most people who have studied writing or read books about writing would be familiar with this already. Writing is generally better when the writer shows you instead of tells you, eg, instead of telling you someone is a thief, show them pick-pocketing, etc. On the other hand, Lukeman also warns against too much showing because telling still has its place in the narrative. He recommends writers identify places in their manuscript where showing should replace telling and then try and dramatize the scene with descriptions and actions, remembering at the same time to leave a bit of ambiguity and mystery for the reader.

12. Viewpoint and Narration

This is another amateurish mistake, when writers fail to maintain consistency in the narrator (eg, first person, second person, third person, etc) and having viewpoints jump from character to character when utilizing third person. Even when the narrator is supposedly omniscient it comes across as awkward and odd. Other common problems include a narrator with no originality or voice or a narrator who knows things they cannot possibly know.

13. Characterization

Problems include:

  • poor usage of character names (eg, switching between first and last names, nicknames, etc
  • use of cliched or exotic names that don’t fit
  • launching into the story without establishing characters
  • cliched character traits
  • introducing too many characters at once
  • confusion over who the protagonist is
  • extraneous characters
  • generic character descriptions
  • characters readers won’t care about
  • unsympathetic protagonist

Solutions are pretty self explanatory.

14. Hooks

The hook is what grabs the reader’s attention and compels them to read on. But Lukeman warns that the hook is more than a marketing tool and might consist of more than the first line — it could be the entire first paragraph, first page, or even the first chapter. The hook needs to be consistent with the rest of the writing and not be disproportionate with what follows. Using dialogue to start off is also best avoided.

15. Subtlety

A very underrated quality for a writer. Lukeman believes that less is always more when it comes to utilizing subtlety and achieving subtlety comes from confidence. Some of the problems can be solved by cutting extraneous text that comes from a desire to spell everything out for the reader, but it is about being able to spot the problem areas and making sure things are not too neat and tidy.

16. Tone

Tone is about intentionality and is the voice behind the work, the driving intention behind the style and sound. The three are intertwined but must work together in order to work. The tone of your manuscript should be a conscious choice and Lukeman admits there are no easy solutions. Best to show your work to someone else to see if they feel the tone doesn’t work. It is an advanced technique that takes time to master, he says.

17. Focus

This is about staying on track with your writing and not losing the focus of the story. Often a story drifts from the path you have set it but you must make sure what you set out to achieve in the beginning is resolved by the end. Lukeman says each chapter must be thought of as its own complete unit — the length is not important as long as it accomplishes what it set out to do. An unfocused manuscript may have subplots that are not resolved, a lack of continuity, and could go off on tangents and feel like it’s rambling. However, he warns against being too focused — if everything is too rigid, too neat and too perfect, then perhaps you have been too focused.

18. Setting

Setting is often ignored but can “add a whole new dimension to a text, a richness nothing else can”, according to Lukeman. Problems include writers who make no attempt to create a setting whatsoever to writers to spend too much time describing the setting.

Specific suggestions include:

  • adding small but vivid details to the setting descriptions
  • draw on all five senses when bringing a setting to life (especially smell, sound and lighting); climate can also be important
  • most importantly, have characters interact with their settings
  • great settings go one step further and make an impression

19. Pacing and Progression

This is the last thing editors might look for and might not be discernible until they’ve gotten through a sizeable chunk of your manuscript. Lukeman describes novels that are too slow and those that are too quick, neither of which are recommended. He reminds people that pacing and progression are cumulative things and therefore hard to self-edit.

If the manuscript reads too slow, then:

  • try and create scenarios where even you, as the writer, would be interested in
  • create more stakes and raise the stakes
  • look for sections that can be shortened
  • replace telling and description with drama

On the other hand, if the manuscript reads too quickly, then slow it down and try to give it a foundation and make the story come alive. Dialogue is often identified as one of the reasons why manuscripts can read too quickly.

Book Review: ‘Tokyo Sketches’ by Peter Hamill

February 8, 2013 in Book Reviews, Reviews

tokyo

My ignorance was highlighted recently when a friend and colleague lent me a collection of short stories called Tokyo Sketches by Peter Hamill. I had no idea who this guy was — cousin of Mark “Luke Skywalker” Hamill, perhaps? — but I did thoroughly enjoy the anthology. As it turned out, Peter Hamill is a “legendary” New York journalist, an lifetime award-receiving writer, novelist and essayist and a columnist and editor for the New York Post and the New York Daily News.

Hamill’s background explains a lot, including why the 13 short stories in this 1992 book are so varied, well-written and insightful. The prose is confident but light, which makes for a brisk read, and the atmosphere is expertly conveyed through a small handful of spot-on descriptions and astute observations. What impressed me the most was how Hamill could, in only a few pages, always get me to care about his characters, no matter who or where they are. It’s the sign of a writer who has an uncanny grasp of universal human emotions and knows how to connect them to readers through words.

The common theme is, as the title suggests, Tokyo, but each story is told through the point of view of a very different character, from a young female Japanese reporter to an old, lonely Japanese man, from an over-the-hill American boxer to a Samurai-obsessed student. I haven’t seen anything in the Hamill’s biographies suggesting he has ever lived in Japan for an extended period of time, but his wife appears to be Japanese. I’m sure I’m sure having interviewed hundreds if not thousands of people over the decades has given him a whole treasure trove of unique characters and little stories and snippets to choose from, but either wher way, it’s damn impressive how diverse his stories are and how he manages to slip some aspect of Japanese culture into each and every one of them — whether it is music, baseball or the war. Even after 20 years, the book and its characters still ring true.

I’m usually wary of short story collections (especially if it’s from the same author) because they tend to be a mixed bag of some good and some not-so-good stories, or alternatively, stories that won’t appeal to everyone. Of course, there are some stories I liked more in this collection than others, but on the whole there really isn’t a weak link in Tokyo Sketches. Personally, my favorite stories are probably The Price of Everything, about a Japanese widow learning to love again; The Opponent, about a fixed boxing match, and The Magic Word, which is about one of my favorite things in Japanese culture — manga. A lot of them — actually, most of them — are kind of melancholy and deal with disappointment and heartbreak, but there are some heartwarming moments littered throughout to prevent you from getting too depressed.

On the whole, this is a strong collection of short stories and definitely one of the better ones I’ve encountered. Thanks to Hamill for making my trips to and from work over the last couple of weeks so engrossing.

4/5

Favourite passages from Anne Lamott’s ‘Bird by Bird’

February 3, 2013 in Best Of, Book Reviews, On Writing, Reviews

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One of my favourite memories from the UK was reading Anne Lamott’s classic writing memoir, Bird by Bird, on a lazy afternoon in 2009 in the Borders bookstore in Cambridge. It was one of those books that writing courses love to use and extract from at every opportunity because it’s simple, instructional, insightful and poignant — the kind of book that writers would love to write. It’s why the memoir is still going strong almost 20 years since it was first published in 1994.

I never got to finish the book in Cambridge but I recently had the opportunity to revisit it — from start to finish this time — as part of my New Year’s resolution to read more in 2013. I enjoyed it as much as I did the first time around, and its nuggets of wisdom resonated with me probably even more this time after I spent the last few years trying to figure out how much I really want to write.

It’s one of those books you can get through in a single sitting, as long as you can stomach Lamott’s neurotic, somewhat exaggerated style when constantly describing her mood swings and insecurities as a writer. Much of it is absolutely spot on and laugh-out-loud funny, but I can understand if can irk some readers after a while.hn

On the other hand, it’s also a book you can pick up at any time and skip to a particular chapter if you need guidance or inspiration on a specific area or topic. It helps that the book is neatly separated into five parts of varying lengths: writing, the writing frame of mind, help along the way, publication — and other reasons to write, and the last class.

The first part, writing, is perhaps the most useful for a new writer as it gives concrete advice and tips such as using short assignments to get the ball rolling, not being afraid to write shitty first drafts and avoiding perfectionism like the plague. The chapters on character, plot dialogue and set design, among others, can also be very instructive.

Part two, the writing frame of mind, is more about developing the mentality of a writer — to be alert and looking for ideas wherever you go and whenever you can, caring about what you write, and how to deal with petty stuff like jealousy.

Part three, help along the way, gives practical tips on getting you through your project or life in general, whether it is using index cards, joining writing groups or overcome writer’s block.

The fourth part, publication, has a lot on the business side of the industry and probably contains the most of what writers don’t want to hear — you’ll probably never get published, and if you do, you’ll probably not sell a lot of books. Either way, there’s not much money in writing for the vast majority of us.

The final part, the last class, brings it all together and reminds us why we write and why it’s worth the hassle.

Needless to say, I love this book. It’s not only useful but is also a great read full of laughs and moments where you’ll find yourself nodding in agreement. I suppose this is what Lamott is referring to when she urges writers to connect with their readers through writing the truth. It has less concrete advice than say, Stephen King’s On Writing, one of the bibles of the genre, but it’s also a classic in its own unique way.

5/5

And now, for some of my favourite passages from the book.

On how writers’ believe what being published for the first time would be like:

I believed, before I sold my first book, that publication would be instantly and automatically gratifying, an affirming and romantic experience, a Hallmark commercial where one runs and leaps in slow motion across a meadow filled with wildflowers into the arms of acclaim and self-esteem.

They believe that if they themselves were to get something published, their lives would change instantly, dramatically, and for the better. Their self-esteem would flourish; all self-doubt would be erased like a typo. Entire paragraphs and manuscripts of disappointment and rejection and lack of faith would be wiped out by one push of a psychic delete button and replaced by a quiet, tender sense of worth and belonging. Then they could wrap the world in flame.

On what publication is really about:

But I still encourage anyone who feels at all compelled to write to do so. I just try to warn people who hope to get published that publication is not all that it is cracked up to be. But writing is. Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises, That thing you had to force yourself to do — the actual act of writing — turns out to be the best part. It’s like discovering that while you thought you needed the tea ceremony for the caffeine, what you really needed was the tea ceremony. The act of writing turns out to be its own reward.

But the fact of publication is the acknowledgment from the community that you did your writing right. You acquire a rank that you never lose. Now you’re a published writer, and you are in that rare position of getting to make a living, such as it is, doing what you love best. That knowledge does bring you a quiet joy.

On writing for the sake of publication:

The problem that comes up over and over again is that these people want to be published. They kind of want to write, but they really want to be published. You’ll never get to where you want to be that way, I tell them. There is a door we all want to walk through, and writing can help you find it and open it…But publishing won’t do any of those things; you’ll never get in that way.

Publication is not going to change your life or solve your problems. Publication will not make you more confident or more beautiful, and it will probably not make you any richer.

About first drafts:

Very few writers really know what they are doing until they’ve done it. Nor do they go about their business feeling dewy and thrilled. They do not type a few still warm-up sentences and then find themselves bounding along like huskies across the snow.

The first draft is the child’s draft, where you let it all pour out and them let it romp all over the place, knowing that no one is going to see it and that you can shape it later.

Almost all good writing begins with terrible first efforts. You need to start somewhere. Start by getting something — anything — down on paper. A friend of mine says that the first draft is the down draft — you just get it down. The second draft is the up draft — you fix it up. You try to say what you have to say more accurately. And the third draft is the dental draft, where you check every tooth, to see if it’s loose or cramped or decayed, or even, God help us, healthy.

Writing a first draft is very much like watching a Polaroid develop. You can’t — and in fact, you’re not supposed to — know exactly what the picture is going to look like until it has finished developing.

On dialogue:

One line of dialogue that rings true reveals a character in a way that pages of description can’t.

Dialogue is more like a movie than it is like real life, since it should be more dramatic. There’s a greater sense of action.

There are a number of things that help when you sit down to write dialogue. First of all, sound your words — read them out loud…Second, remember that you should be able to identify each character by what he or she says…Third, you might want to try putting together two people who more than anything else in the world to avoid each other, people who would avoid whole cities just to make sure they won’t bump into each other.

On having a likable narrator:

Having a likable narrator is like having a great friend whose company you love, whose mind you love to pick, whose running commentary totally holds your attention, makes you laugh out loud, whose lines you always want to steal.

On the relationship between plot and character:

Plot grows out of character. If you focus on who the people in your story are, if you sit and write about two people you know and are getting to know better day by day, something is bound to happen.

Characters should not, conversely, serve as pawns for some plot you’ve dreamed up.

Find out what each character cares about most in the world because then you will have discovered what’s at stake.

I imagine my characters, and let myself daydream about them. A movie begins to play in my head, with motion pulsing underneath it, and I stare at it in a trancelike state, until words bounce around together and force a sentence.

On structure and plotting:

My students assume that when well-respected writers sit down to write their books, they know pretty much what is going to happen because they’ve outlined most of the plot, and this is why their books turn out so beautifully and why their lives are so easy and joyful, their self-esteem so great, their childlike senses of trust and wonder so intact. Well. I do not know anyone fitting this description at all. Everyone I know flails around, kvetching and growing despondent, on the way to finding a plot and structure that work. You are welcome to join the club.

…I sat down every day and wrote five hundred to a thousand words describing what was going on in each chapter. I discussed who the characters were turning out to be, where they’d been, what they were up to, and why. I quoted directly from the manuscript sometimes, using some of the best lines to instill confidence in both me and my editor, and I figured out, over and over, point A, where the chapter began, and point B, where it ended, and what needed to happen to get my people from A to B. And then how the B of the last chapter would lead organically into point A of the next chapter. The book moved along like the alphabet, like a vivid and continuous dream.

On creating drama:

Drama is the way of holding the reader’s attention. The basic formula for drama is setup, buildup, payoff — just like a joke. The setup tells us what the game is. The buildup is where you put in all the moves, the forward motion, where you get all the meat off the turkey. The payoff answers the question, Why are we here anyway? What is it that you’ve been trying to give? Drama must move forward and upward, or the seats on which the audience is sitting will become very hard and uncomfortable. So, in fact, will the audience. And eventually the audience will become impatient, disappointed, and unhappy. There must be movement.

On setting:

Imagine yourself as the set designer for a play or for the movie version of the story you are working on. It may help you to know what the room (or the ship or the office or the meadow) looks like where the action will be taking place. You want to know its feel, its temperature, its colors. Just as everyone is a walking advertisement for who he or she is, so every room is a little showcase of its occupants’ values and personalities. Every room is about memory. Every room gives us layers of information about our past and present and who we are, our shrines and quirks and hopes and sorrows, our attempts to prove that we exist and are more or less Okay.

On confidence:

You get your confidence and intuition back by trusting yourself, by being militantly on your own side. You need to trust yourself, especially on a first draft, where amid the anxiety and self-doubt, there should be a real sense of your imagination and your memories walking and woolgathering, tramping the hills, romping all over the place. Trust them. Don’t look at your feet to see if you are doing it right. Just dance.

Writing is about hypnotizing yourself into believing in yourself, getting some work done, then unhypnotizing yourself and going over the material coldly.

On jealousy:

Jealousy is such a direct attack on whatever measure of confidence you’ve been able to muster. But if you continue to write, you are probably going to have to deal with it, because some wonderful, dazzling successes are going to happen for some of the most awful, angry, undeserving writers you know — people who are, in other words, not you.

Index cards:

So whenever I am leaving the house without my purse — in which there are actual notepads, let alone index cards —  I fold an index card lengthwise in half, knowing that if I have an idea, or see something lovely or strange or for any reason worth remembering, I will be able to jot down a couple of words to remind me of it.

On writing regularly:

So much of writing is about sitting down and doing it every day, and so much of it is about getting into the custom of taking in everything that comes along, seeing it all as grist for the mill. This can be a very comforting habit, like biting your nails.

On getting someone to read you drafts.

The person may not have an answer to what is missing or annoying about the piece, but writing is so often about making mistakes and feeling lost. There are probably a number of ways to tell your story right, and someone else may be able to tell you whether or not you’ve found one of these ways.

Imagine that you are getting ready for a party and there is a person at your house who can check you out and assure you that you look wonderful or, conversely, that you actually look a little tiny tiny bit heavier than usual in this one particular dress or suit or that red makes you look just a little bit like you have sarcoptic mange. Of course you are disappointed for a moment, but then you are grateful that you are still in the privacy of your own home and there is time to change,

On writer’s block:

Writer’s block is going to happen to you. You will read what little you’ve written lately and see with absolute clarity that it is total dog shit…Or else you haven’t been able to write anything at all for a while. The fear that you’ll never write again is going to hit you when you feel not only lost and unable to find a few little bread crumbs that would identify the path you were on but also when you’re at your lowest ebb of energy and faith.

The word block suggests that you are constipated or stuck, when the truth is that you’re empty.

On overcoming writer’s block:

I encourage my students at times like these to get one page of anything written, three hundred words of memories or dreams or stream of consciousness on how much they hate writing — just for the hell of it, just to keep their fingers from becoming too arthritic, just because they have made a commitment to try and write three hundred words every day.

In the beginning, when you;re first starting out, there are a million reasons not to write, to give up. That is why it is of extreme importance to make a commitment of finishing sections and stories, to driving through to the finish,

On originality:

All the good stories are out there waiting to be told in a fresh, wild way…Life is like a recycling center, where all the concerns and dramas of humankind get recycled back and forth across the universe. But what you have to offer is your own sensibility, maybe your own sense of humor or insider pathos or meaning.

And lastly, about finding your own voice:

And the truth of your experience can only come through your own voice. If it is wrapped in someone else’s voice, we readers will feel suspicious, as if you are dressed up in someone else’s clothes. You cannot write out of someone else’s big dark place; you can only write out of your own.

Book Review: ‘Fifty Shades Freed’ by EL James

January 13, 2013 in Book Reviews, Reviews

Fifty Shades Freed

Fifty Shades Freed is the perfect title to the third and final book of EL James’s 50 Shades Trilogy. After struggling with to get through this book for months, I can finally say, “I have been freed!” Freed from one of the worst pieces of crap I have ever read.

You may ask why I would read something I find so horrible — and trust me, I have asked myself that question several times — but the Fifty Shades trilogy is actually an excellent lesson in bad writing and how to avoid it. I may not be a good writer, but I sure know terrible writing when I see it. This is not to say James is necessarily a bad writer. As Anne Lamont wrote in Bird by Bird, almost all writers start off with shitty first drafts. All of Fifty Shades is, essentially, a shitty first draft. It could have been pared back,  fixed up and improved significantly with two or three (most probably more) rewrites, but instead, we were given the product in practically raw form. And it’s ghastly.

I had tried to defend the first two books of the series to some degree, but I simply cannot think of one redeeming feature about this one. The first entry, Fifty Shades of Grey, was at least fresh and had some interesting dynamics as our protagonist, Anastasia Steele, is courted by the enigmatic, impossibly handsome and super rich Christian Grey. The second book has the couple reconciling after a brief break up and then has them “getting to know each other” a little better, before ending with a really bizarre epilogue that foreshadowed the rise of a nasty villain in the final book.

Well, this so-called villain turned out to be completely pathetic and incapable of generating any tension whatsoever. He/she was a completely different person to the character that James had described and depicted in the first book and a half. It just made no sense at all. Even when this villain made a final appearance for the “climax” it was still incredibly lame, and again, made no sense at all. I can’t say too much without giving away the “twists”, but whole thing made less sense than Mulholland Drive multiplied by Primer.

To insult readers further, instead of explaining why a certain part of the story didn’t make sense in the aftermath of the climax, James added an “author’s note” at the end and inserted an additional conversation to fudge the plot back into coherence. Unfortunately she needed another dozen authors notes to explain all the other stuff that remained inexplicable.

Enough with the villain, who is, to be fair, only a tiny part of the book. The majority of Fifty Shades Freed is still devoted to the unbearably saccharine relationship between Ana and Christian. I tried my best but I just couldn’t find anything real about their relationship, their emotions or their personalities.

Ana loves Christian so much and Christian loves Ana so so much. They can’t live without each other despite their respective flaws. Christian is so unbelievably beautiful and domineering and rich and a sex god. Ana can’t believe how lucky she is. Women can’t stop making passes at her man and she can’t stop rolling her eyes at them. James keeps telling us the same things over and over, rubbing it in our faces and shoving it down our throats — for 1,500+ pages.

But having them constantly and repeatedly tell each other how much love is in the air doesn’t make us feel that love. In fact, the more times they said it (almost every second page, really) the less convinced I became. To James’s credit, she does tone down the pointless email conversations and the inner goddess/subconscious gymnastics that irked me so much in the first two books, but to be honest I still had to regularly break out the speed reading I learned in high school (which had not been utilized for fiction in more than a decade) just so I could get through the worst sections.

As for the sex — there wasn’t a whole lot, and what was left behind lacked the passion of the earlier entries in the series. If Fifty Shades of Grey was all hot and heavy between two horny teenagers, then Fifty Shades Freed is like an old couple who have been married for 60 years and lost their libidos long ago.

Without arguably the best part of the novels working its magic, Fifty Shades Freed was more or less a fantasy diary that simply went on and on aimlessly and kept rehashing the same things. I don’t remember ever reading something so repetitive and tedious. There probably was an attempt at plotting, but it sure didn’t feel like it. The efforts at creating tension were horrendous — SPOILER ALERT — with the car chase and kidnapping the most laughable examples.

To top things off, at the very end of the book there is a retelling of the first encounter between Christian and Ana — but this time, from Christian’s perspective (I believe it was attempting to mirror what Stephenie Meyer tried to do with Twilight until it was leaked online and she scrapped it). If there was ever any charm to this Christian fellow, James’s misguided attempt at his male voice pretty much destroyed it. Instead of remaining this enigmatic, tortured soul with a heart of gold, Christian Grey turned out to be, as feared, an obnoxious prick with only one thing on his mind.

Good for James and the millions she has raked in, but personally, I’m just glad it’s all over.

0.5/5

Recapping my epic 2012!

December 31, 2012 in Blogging, Book Reviews, Misc, Novel, On Writing

2012wall

Who would have thought I’d be counting down the hours to 2013 when it was all supposed to end for everyone 10 days ago?

But anyway, I’m here (at work, actually) and I’ve been contemplating what a colossal year 2012 has been. Of course, there’s the big one — learning how to be a father to the most adorable little baby boy in the history of the universe, who has taken up the majority of my time and effort and SLEEP. But it’s also him that has made 2012 the most remarkable and wonderful year of my life thus far.

On the work front, I started a new full-time job where I get to write and edit all day. For the first time ever, I actually don’t mind going to the office every day, and I love the fact that I get to go home at a reasonable hour every night so I can spend time with my son before he goes to bed. It’s also a stable job that potentially allows me to do a lot of extra-curricular stuff, whether it be freelance work or other personal writings, such as this blog. Unfortunately, my lack of experience and desire to “take it easy” means I have probably squandered many of those hours that could have been put to better use.

That said, I have done my fair share of freelance work this year too. I started off completing a mammoth editing job for a travel book that had been horrendously translated. It was definitely not worth it from a monetary perspective but at least I have now been officially named as the editor of a published book (which I am yet to see, by the way). Apart from that and my regular book reviews for a trade publication, I also did some work for a well-known international magazine, which eventually lead to my first cover feature article. I didn’t exactly love the way it turned out after the editor played with it, but it’s better than having no article published at all.

The highlight of my working life this year has to be my trip to Beijing to cover the Communist Party’s leadership transition, which was exhausting but rewarding. I’m glad I got to see and learn so much, but I’m also happy that it won’t happen again for another 10 years.

Health wise, it’s been a mixed bag. Physically, I managed to get fitter than I’ve ever been after commencing a daily exercise routine that began last October and lasted about 12 months. I’m still trying to get back into it, actually. However, the fatigue and poor quality sleep has also taken its toll, and I’ve been under the weather more times than I can remember. It’s frustrating because you feel like you’re rarely feeling 100%.

Despite the positives, it’s also been a year where a lot of my goals went unrealized. I basically did not touch either of my work-in-progress novels for the entire year, which is pathetic and not worthy of an excuse. I didn’t write that screenplay I had been itching to write either. And I also didn’t monetize my blog like I had promised myself I would.

On the reading front, I only read 14 books this year, dominated by the Hunger Games trilogy, Steve Jobs biography and the first two books of the 50 Shades trilogy (I’m still stuck on the third and final book). Actually, I blame it all on 50 Shades for turning me off reading this year because it’s been a huge struggle getting through them. Why do I torture myself?

These are the things I wish I had more time to complete, but my shifting priorities had placed them all on the back burner. In fact, I’m still putting them off until I can finish posting all of my backlogged movie and restaurant reviews, which means it might be a while before I can even get started.

So what’s in store for 2013? A lot. That’s my guess. I’m personally hoping that things will become more stable on a day-to-day basis and that I can be more motivated to work on my projects. My focus next year — my new year’s resolution, so to speak — will be on the things I failed to accomplish this year: the novels, the screenplay, and doing more reading. I tend to always oversimplify things and set myself targets that are impossible to reach, so this year I’ll just say that I’d like to at least do more on/of those things  in 2013 than I did in 2012.

So I guess if my 2012 was “epic” then I’d like my 2013 to be simply “productive.”

See you next year!