Anthony Mundine insists fight will go on, with or without Shane Mosley

October 22, 2013 in Best Of, Boxing, Humor, Sport by pacejmiller

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“I bet you don’t have the balls to pull out of the fight,” Mundine says to Mosley.

The boxing world is in shock today after American boxing great Shane Mosley quit a fight for the first time in his life, walking out of Wednesday night’s bout against former Australian rugby league star Anthony “The Man” Mundine. Witnesses say a man bearing a striking resemblance to Mosley was seen in green cargo pants, Nike sneakers and a walking frame at Sydney International Airport on Tuesday morning waiting to catch a flight back to the United States.

Mosley, 42, said he had “no choice” but to bail after the fight’s co-promoter, Millennium Events, failed to deliver AU$700,000 as promised by 5pm on Monday afternoon. Mosley had already received AU$300,000 as part of his AU$1 million deal to take on Mundine at the Sydney Entertainment Centre, but his promoter said they “had to protect him” because no fighter should ever step into the ring unless they have received their entire purse before a fight, and “not a cent less.”

“It’s outrageous, egregious, preposterous,” said a lawyer representing Golden Boy, Mosley’s promoter.

Mosley (47-8-1, 39 KOs), who has three losses and a draw in his last five fights and is generally regarded as washed up, said he was bitterly disappointed because he had been planning to make a “big statement” by beating Mundine, who lost his previous fight in a controversial decision (according to himself) against countryman Daniel Geale in January. Mosley said later that things turned out for the best in the end as he had made “an even bigger statement for all of boxing” by walking away from the fight, demonstrating that “money is the most important part of the sweet science.”

“In a world of crooked promoters, corrupt judges and shameless sanctioning organizations, someone — and I guess that means me, Sugar Shane — had to take a stand, or more correctly in this case, walk away,” Mosley said, adding that the AU$300,000 he already received will be put to a “good cause”, without providing any further explanation.

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Mosley at Sydney Airport on Tuesday morning, happy to be leaving with AU$300,000 in cash

For the 38-year-old Mundine (44-5, 26KOs), however, Mosley walking away on the eve of the bout is not a big problem.

“Mosley-Mundine will go on, with or without Sugar Shane,” Mundine insisted. “Seriously, I couldn’t care less.”

The attitude is consistent with Mundine’s earlier statements when Mosley skipped out on several promotional events in the lead-up to the fight, including a press conference, a radio show and a TV appearance on Channel Nine.

“There are all types of rumours but the fight is going ahead, I have no doubt,” Mundine said at the time.

When pressed on how the bout would be possible without one of the billed fighters, Mundine said: “The promoters and I have been looking at all possible alternatives so that we won’t have to refund any of the ticket holders or people who have paid for the pay-per-view. And trust me, we have some great options that might be even better than the original event.”

The first option outlined by Mundine is for him to take on “another Mosley.”

“There are lots of Mosleys out there,” Mundine explained. “And if we do that we won’t even have to change the Mosley-Mundine banners and posters. It’s a win-win for everyone.”

One possible replacement mentioned by Mundine was Oswald Mosley, the English politician known as the founding father of the British Union of Fascists. When told that Oswald Mosley died in 1980, Mundine shrugged and did another quick Google search on his smartphone.

“Well there’s also the author Walter Mosley. It seems he’s American too, from his website bio,” Mundine said as he scrolled down the list of search results. “There’s also a company called Mosley Electronics. I could take on their CEO or one of their electronic products. It’ll be like the Street Fighter II bonus round. Perfect!”

If all else fails, according to Mundine, he could just shadow box for 10 rounds by himself.

“Mike Tyson had a one man show,” he said.

“I know y’all are disappointed, but as the fat lady once sang, the show must go on,” Mundine said. “The only difference now is that instead of predicting victory I will guarantee it. That is of course unless the judges decide to screw me again.”

Anthony Mundine explains “blatant robbery” against Daniel Geale

January 31, 2013 in Best Of, Boxing, Humor, Sport by pacejmiller

Anthony Mundine hits Daniel Geale on the fist with a perfectly timed chin

Anthony Mundine hits Daniel Geale on the fist with a perfectly timed chin

In one of the most shocking and disgraceful decisions in boxing history, Anthony “The Man” Mundine was blatantly robbed in Sydney last night against Daniel Geale in their high-anticipated rematch. Despite dominating the historical 12-round championship fight (that was not reported by any mainstream media outside of Australia), Mundine suffered his fifth career defeat with scores of 117-111, 117-111, 116-112, all in favor of reigning IBF Middleweight champion Geale.

A shattered and bewildered Mundine fled the Sydney Entertainment Center as soon as the decision was announced, but after finding time to compose himself later in the evening, told reporters what everyone clearly knew — he was robbed.

“I walked straight into an ambush, that is the best way I can sum it up,” he said, fighting back tears. “I obviously had to knock him out. I knew that, I said before the fight that the only way they were going to beat me is if they rob me, but I didn’t think it was going to be so obvious and I didn’t think it was going to be so blatant, as blatant as the headbutts and elbows I was constantly getting away with during the fight.”

Mundine said he intentionally took all those stinging jabs and crushing body blows from Geale because he believed demonstrating his endurance and “ability to take a punch” was going to impress the judges more than landing any meaningful punches of his own.

“I knew I had to prove to the judges I didn’t have a glass head after two previous incidents that didn’t reflect too well on me,” Mundine explained, referring to this:

mundine ottke

and this:

“Both those incidents were intentional, though,” he added, “because no one would agree to fight me if they knew how unstoppable I truly was.”

Mundine didn’t think his second fight with Geale was even close, and said he believed every boxing expert and audience member who thought Geale easily won the fight had obviously been bribed. Either that or because “they hate me for all the racist, inflammatory, nonsensical, moronic and boneheaded things I have said throughout the years,” he said.

“I thought I was dominant enough to get the victory,” Mundine said. “Honestly, I thought it was eight rounds to four — all day. That is why I was so buoyant after the fight but they took my fourth world title off me, man.”

Mundine explained that he only “acted like I was losing” all throughout the fight because he didn’t want to appear too cocky, unlike Geale, “that shameless showboater,” he said. “My corner was only pretending to be desperate but we really thought we had the fight in the bag all along. I only acted like Geale’s punches hurt me because I felt sorry for him after I accused him of being a fake Aborigine and said those insensitive but true things about his wife and kids.”

Mundine even claimed that his corner secretly applied make-up in between rounds to make it look like his face was bruised and swollen from Geale’s punches. “I decided if I was going to be the good guy I was going to go all in,” he added.

The man who calls himself “The Man” said the reason why his face and body language were so convincing was because he got acting tips from his good buddy Russell Crowe in exchange for giving Crowe singing lessons for Les Miserables.

Crowe, who was ringside, tweeted after the fight: “Geale v Mundine, bullshit biased commentary, bullshit biased result. Nobody won that fight. 15 rounds next time.” He later clarified that he didn’t think the fight was “actually a draw” as the tweet suggested and said that if 15 rounds was good enough for him in Cinderella Man, based on a true story set in the Great Depression, then it would be good enough for Mundine-Geale III in 2013.

Crowe then directed reporters to this award-winning article which showed what a true stand-up guy he was.

Sonny Bill Williams, another truly stand-up fellow who walked out on his footy team midway through a season for more money overseas, didn’t just believe, but actually thought Mundine won the fight when the decision was announced, tweeting last night: “Hanging out with @Anthony_Mundine celebrating a victory.”

Williams was stunned when told later that Mundine in fact lost the fight. “I thought when they said the winner was  ‘still the IBF champion of the world’ they were referring to Choc. I didn’t realise Choc has never held the IBF title. In any weight class. Ever. It was still a good night out though.”

Mundine admits had he pressured Geale more he might never have left the fight in the hands of the judges. “If I would have put the second and third attack, now I kick myself, I probably would have knocked him out,” he said. “That is how dominant I was. I was hitting him hard with all parts of my body and I was hurting him. My cheekbone was doing serious damage to his left jab and I think my ribs might have even fractured his right fist.”

New Year’s resolution 2: keeping an ideas/observation pocketbook

January 10, 2013 in Humor, Misc, On Writing by pacejmiller

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I’m going to steal this one from the great man himself, Larry David. I don’t know where I saw or read this — I think it might have been one of those behind the scenes things on my Seinfeld DVDs — but anyway, apparently Larry has this little pocketbook filled with funny ideas and observations that he can use whenever he needs a good joke on one of his TV shows (boy would I love to get my hands on it!). He says he keeps it on him at all times because you never know when you’re going to see or hear something hilarious.

That’s going to be my second New Year’s resolution for 2013 — keeping an observation/ideas pocketbook in my back pocket at all times (well, whenever I am wearing pants, of course). I’ve lost count of the number of times I have come up with what I thought was a brilliant idea or joke or one-liner, only to forget about it later because I couldn’t or couldn’t be bothered to write it down. There is so much gold all around us — we just need to keep our eyes and ears open, AND have the initiative to make a record of them. I think I might also keep this book by my bed, so if something good pops up while sleeping then I can jot it down immediately.

Since making this decision I’ve already come up with an idea for a film script and a gag that could potentially be used for it. In the absence of a pocketbook I have created…a Microsoft Word file.

I’m going out to get one of these pocketbooks tomorrow. A small pen might also not be such a bad idea.

Furious doomsday believers demand to know what went wrong

December 22, 2012 in Best Of, Humor, Religion by pacejmiller

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As small pockets of civilization around the world celebrated their survival of the Dec. 21 Mayan apocalypse, the vast majority of normal people have angrily demanded to know how things could have possibly gone so wrong.

The world as we knew it was supposed to end at precisely 10:11pm (Australia Eastern Standard Time) on Friday, Dec. 21, 2012. Earth was supposed to be struck by another planet or an asteroid. Aliens (or apes) were supposed to attack. Time was supposed to stop, or the universe was simply meant to stop existing.

But instead, as the clock struck 10:12pm and everything remained as it had been at 10:10pm, anticipation turned to disbelief. And as the hours passed, disbelief turned to disappointment, before finally erupting into fury.

“What the hell? We were supposed to be teleported into another dimension!” said Francois Ancel, 54, who had camped out at the southern French town of Bugarach for the past six weeks. Ancel and his family of seven had heard about the town’s curious “upside down” mountain and had expected to be beamed into another world by sitting in a hole on the summit at the exact moment it was supposed to end for everyone else.

Unlike some of his fellow campers, who have left the hole in tears, Ancel said he has not given up hope and will remain in the hole for as long as it takes, noting that the Mayans may have miscalculated the precise moment of the apocalypse.

“The Mayans didn’t have smartphones, computers or even abacuses back in those days,” agreed Professor Chris Copeland from the New York Calculator Institute, who has urged everyone to remain calm and continue waiting. “A margin of error of three to five years is not unreasonable under the circumstances. I will give them the benefit of the doubt this time.”

Copeland also ridiculed Russian president Vladimir Putin’s “guess” that the world won’t end for another 4.5 billion years, based on the life expectancy of the sun. “There is no scientific basis for that claim whatsoever,” Copeland said.

However, Copeland’s assurance that “it could end at any moment between now and Dec. 21, 2017″ has failed to quell the rage of former-believers, who have vowed to commence an anti-Mayan movement across the globe, beginning with the boycott of  the now-half-priced Mayan calendars. Inspired by the Occupy Wall Street movement, a small group of protesters have also reportedly initiated “Occupy Machu Picchu” at the ancient Inca site in Peru.

“We’re not going anywhere until the Mayans come down and give us an explanation, face to face,” said protester Geri Jingleberry, 34, from Texas. ”They can tell me what to do with the 21,000 cans of baked beans in my basement bunker.”

In China, reactions were more subdued, as the majority of believers have disappeared after being rounded up by the Chinese government well before Friday.

“This hoax has rekindled my faith in the Communist Party,” said Kai Wanxiao, 29, who lives in the southwestern metropolis of Chongqing. “The party said the world wouldn’t end and the party was right. Long live the Communist Party!”

There were, however, reports in the eastern coastal provinces of Shandong, Zhejiang, Jiangsu and Liaoning of people asking for their money back after having donated all their assets to charity.

“I gave away everything I had to the less fortunate because I truly believed the world was going to end and everyone was going to die,” said Zheng Congming, 62, from the port city of Dalian. “Now that we have survived I would like my money back, thank you very much.”

The world’s leading Mayan expert and director of Apocalypto, Mel Gibson, said he could sum up why the Mayan prophecy did not come true in one word.

“Jews,” he said.

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