God umpires Andre Agassi vs Michael Chang
As a follow up to the popular “Inside Agassi and Becker’s Secret Rivalry” post, I have pitched Andre Agassi against Chinese American superstar Michael Chang, another guy that Agassi trashed like a used needle in his controversial autobiography Open.
Of course, a contest between two tennis greats can only be a five set match, and naturally, only God can be the umpire (Linesmen, Cyclops and Hawk-Eye are not needed as God is never wrong).
Here we go.
(To read about this exciting match click on ‘more…’)
First Set: Who had the better career?
Michael Chang struck first by winning the first Grand Slam amongst his peers (including Agassi and Sampras) – the 1989 French Open at just age 17. However, Chang would never win another Grand Slam again.
While Chang went from youngest Grand Slam winner to obscurity, Agassi went from tennis rockstar to arguably the second best player of his era (ie the Sampras era), winning 8 Grand Slam titles including the Career Slam.
For the record, Agassi’s career win-loss was 870-274, whereas Chang’s was 662-312. Agassi also leads in career titles, 68 to 34, and demolished Chang in prize money, $31 million to $19 million.
The first set was a no-brainer. 6-1 Agassi.
Second Set: Who had better head-to-head record?
Even though the Grand Slam head-to-head was close, with Agassi edging Chang 3-2, the overall head-to-head was more telling, with Agassi holding a comfortable 15-7 lead. Chang’s last victory against Agassi was in the 1996 US Open Semi-Final. Chang would then lose the next 4, with the last in 2003 (Miami).
Another easy set. 6-3 Agassi.
Third Set: Who was the bigger wanker?
This is a difficult one. Chang has a couple of big ones going for him. First and foremost, his tendency to thank God for everything, which Agassi described in Open as “sickening”. After his first and only Grand Slam victory, Chang said: “I thank the Lord Jesus Christ, because without Him, I am nothing.” Agassi apparently vomited at this point but because he was high on ice he licked it all off the floor.
To make things worse, Chang also said that his French Open victory was “God’s purpose for him” so he could put a smile on Chinese people’s faces right after the Tiananmen Square Massacre in China. Upon hearing this, Agassi reportedly screamed at the TV, “Why didn’t God just stop the freaking massacre?” Then he regurgitated his vomit before scooping it back into his mouth.
Another thing people often forget about Chang was his wankish tactics against Ivan Lendl in the fourth round of that French Open. Chang used some extremely dickish moves to unsettle Lendl mentally, including constantly lobbing the ball in the air, standing at the ‘T’ to receive serves, and the infamous underarm serve. Sure, he did what he could to win, but don’t tell me you wouldn’t call him a knob if you were on the other side of the net. To cap things off, Chang fell to his knees and cried like a baby after winning this fourth round match. Then he thanked God for giving him the strength to come up with these mind games.
Agassi, on the other hand, is no slouch in the ‘wanker’ department either. For starters, he wore a bandanna in his early years. That’s like performing at a rock concert using a tennis racquet for a guitar. Second, when he started balding, he played with a wig (a wig!). Third, he used recreational drugs (very uncool) and got away with it by manipulating the system with his star power. Fourth, he threw matches, including the 1996 Aussie Open Semi-Final against Chang (so he could avoid playing his arch-nemesis Boris Becker (I told you there was a secret rivalry!)). Lastly, Agassi bitched about all his contemporaries in a book because he didn’t have the guts to say those things to their faces. I’m sure if you asked the casual tennis fan or even Agassi and Chang’s peers in the tennis world, they would all agree that Andre is the bigger wanker.
Hang on, what am I talking about? Chang was a virgin until 36! Of course he’s the bigger wanker!
Chang in a landslide, 6-0.
Fourth Set: Who has more hair?
Age has not been kind to either man. Let’s have a look at some recent pics, shall we?
Just making sure you were paying attention. I still can’t believe Agassi played with a rug on his head.
Fifth Set: Women
Agassi was no doubt a player off the tennis court in his early years. Living in Las Vegas, there was a rumour that he moonlighted as a man-whore between Wimbledon and the US Open.
Then, Agassi married Brooke Shields, who was, despite her bulky appearance now, one of the most desirable women in the world at the time (the film The Blue Lagoon was created solely for the purpose of seeing an underage Brooke nekkid on screen). Unfortunately, that volatile relationship ended and Agassi married Steffi Graf.
Devout Christian Chang abstained from doing the deal (other than with himself) for the first 36 years of his life. Even if Brooke and Steffi cancel each other out, as long as there is one other woman, Agassi will have the edge in this category.
However, in October 2008, God finally answered Chang’s prayers and delivered him a young, hot and slim Asian virgin Christian bride (who ranked as high as 241 in the world – in tennis) to take his virginity from him once and for all. Chang was and is her tennis coach. I won’t go there.
Coincidentally, even though Agassi is not a devout Christian, YHS (young, hot and slim) just happens to be his personal “Holy Trinity”.
Agassi can’t take it and forfeits the fifth set
Chang defeats Agassi, 1-6, 3-6, 6-0, 6-2, ret.
Chang thanks God for his YHS Asian virgin bride. Agassi finally starts believing in God.